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Apr. 7th, 2011

The thing is I am afraid of how people will react to how I feel right now. I am not in a good place. For the most part I can be happy for days on end then something changes and I just fall. Hard. I feel like the world has ended and there is nothing I can do. I feel like my heart has become a lead balloon, and I realize how alone I really am. I do have friends, though they are mostly rather far away. So I cant see them, I mean I can hear from them but to spend time with them in the flesh? That wont happen for most of them. Though I don’t see the ones near me that much ether. This leaves me alone a lot of the time. Which is fine for like an hour then I realize how much I hate being alone.

I have like zero people skills and cant carry a decent conversation to save my life. I don’t even know what to really talk to people about besides what you did that day and since my life is really boring I think no one cares about what’s going on unless something big happens even then I think I am a bother to most people. I really do. I don’t even know why I try anymore I really feel like giving up and just sitting in my room alone.. Oh wait I hate being alone. I hate being me, I hate myself at times too.

I know to some this really doesn’t sound like me, but it is. I am a lot less happy then I let on. I haven’t been truly happy in a while, I try to force myself to be happy because if you can fake it hard enough its true. Right? I mean you have to start believing your own lie sooner or later. Otherwise why lie in the first place?

In real life shit my hair is back to the tolerable red I dye it. I hate my hair color, its this super dirty looking blond that no matter how much you wash it just looks ugly and dirty. I also did the normal Thursday thing yesterday. My mom had a speech therapist over for my nephew today. He isn’t talking enough, which is a problem considering his mother and father. Both have huge problems and they were drinking and doing drugs around the time he was conceived. I worry. I know he wont be normal, but I hope he has the easiest problems. Something that most people who have live normal happy lives. I don’t even want to hear Autism. I think I would break down and cry if that is even thought of.

Apr. 6th, 2011

I had plans to write shit here but I dont feel like it.

Gateways Dimmu BogirCollapse )

Oh yeah.

I really suck keeping up with things, even the things I want to keep up with. Um have a song and I may update soon?

Whats a girl to do?

Foo Fighters The pretenderCollapse )
So Thursday I went with my mom to do the laundry and things went rather great. She even got me some Tomato basal chip chips which is unlike her. I am slowly loving days like this with her. Ever so slowly what feels like a normal mother daughter relationship is growing between us. This growing normal relationship has been filling one of those empty places in my heart. I never realized how much not feeling close to ones mother could mess them up. I just thought this was the normal way to be, she was my mom. I couldn’t talk to her. This closeness, its better then I thought it could be. My mom is becoming my best friend and I am okay with this. Oddly enough going to help her with the laundry felt like a chore at first. Now I look forward to Thursday when I can hang out with her and see Robert. He is another bright part in my life, I have never felt loved so unconditionally. I know no matter what he will be excited to see me. Hell he is excited when I come back from the rest room. Also doing the laundry with my mom isn’t the hardest thing ever. So I have no idea why my brother complained about this.

Friday, Well I thought Friday was good. I thought Friday was great. For the most part. I went out with the guy I like and a few other people. I met him and his friend at the mall and we went to pick the others up, they made us wait which ruined things though we went to Applebee’s and it seemed okay. He kissed me good night and I floated into my house. When he got home he talked to me on skype, and told me that he felt nothing when he kissed me. My heart sunk. I thought that he felt the same way about me that I did about him. Though my brain went to “what did I do wrong? How did I mess this up?“ Right away. I still have this lingering feeling that everything is my fault. I know it cant be, but I feel like everything that goes wrong is my fault and I shouldn’t have done some of things that I did to prevent it. Now I think he is avoiding me. I told him I am okay with just being friends and it shouldn’t be hard since we only went on two dates. I just feel like giving up on this whole dating thing. Ever since I started I just have felt upset more times then I was happy.

Saturday was Roberts birthday, he had no clue what was going on but enjoyed all the new things and the attention which is what matters the most. He was running around playing with his toys and just having a ball. My mom made enough food for once, and one of his god parents showed up. It was a great day, even if I was dead from being out for three days in a row.

pokemon and parades.

So yeah I guess this whole every day thing wasn’t meant to last, though I rather wished I had the will to make a everyday journal thing. Though I guess its just how I am. Right now I am not in the best of moods, though I think I wont be sleeping tonight so I figured that should do something time consuming or else I would go mad. I will talk about why later, though I think I should talk about the past few days. You know to update those who read on what I have been doing. Isn’t that what a journal like this about right? Keeping the people who care up to date on how your feeling and what’s new in your interesting busy little life.

So on Saturday I went and hung out with my mom and my nephew with my grandmother. We went to the Saint Patrick  day parade. It was a great day really though I hate standing for that long, two hours is far long to be standing around watching things. I mean if I had a bench I would have been great. Though we weren’t that lucky. Also this woman was being annoying, we would wheel Robert up a little so he could see past her and she would move forward. She acted like she didn’t realize this when I called her out on this shit. He likes cars and fire trucks to the parade was supposed to be a great day for him. He looked bored for most of it because he couldn’t see at all. Some people have no commonsense, or they just don’t care. I really get pissed at people. Sometimes I wish I could live alone and never talk to anyone. Though I cant stand being alone. I cant eat or sleep well. I fall apart, I know this each and every time my grandmother goes on Vatican and I am home alone. The first day is great and by day three I am just bored and sad.

Other then that the day was okay, we went to this buffet that was meh. I hate bad Chinese buffets, I would have rather burger king. I hate that one. If you cant do something well practice or stop. Don’t mess up easy to do food. Fuckers put disgusting shit in there sushi. Yes I eat buffet sushi, I saw them put it out and there was no fish in it so it was safe. I may be trusting but I am not dumb. I do have this one place I love and the sushi is great and threes so many kinds. :3

Then on Sunday I went and got me a copy of pokemon black. Which has been stealing all my energy. Though the walk was rather bad, I have a problem with my bladder and when I have to go I have to go. Well on the way there I had to use the rest room bad, since I was walking this only made it worse. I ended up messing my panties a little. People wonder why I hate leaving the house. If its not one thing its another. My knees or my bowels, I rather hate being me at times. I really do.  Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Onto happier topics? I am loving the new pokemon game. Its graphically beautiful, and the new team is rather smart.  Also the new pokemon, are rather cool looking, I haven’t seen one that I haven’t thought about taking into my team. Though I have decided my last slot and well will need to play it again a few times. :3 The new starters are the only thing that isn’t the best. I mean I like the otter but the last stage is uggo. The pig is just meh and the snake is okay but I thought it was going to get the dragon type. Other then that I love this game. I haven’t been so excited to play pokemon since my first game, everything feels new and fresh. <3 Like its my first game again which is great. I cant wait to meet everyone and the gym leaders are just awesome.

So I have been playing mass amounts of pokemon and just relaxing, which is great and all but I need more. I need people, right now I am doubting breaking up with my last boyfriend he seems really shaken up about the whole deal and I just  have never felt more alone. I just don’t know if I made the right move. I did live him, I still care for him. I just couldn’t be ignored. I need someone to care about me. What  need is a man who just is happy to see me, someone who texts me good morning and texts me good night even if he said it to me before. I need a guy who is excited to see me and cares about my boring little life.

What now?

I thought I was going to get to see him today, though that didn’t pan out at all. He had work, and the buses stop and six around here. So by the time we would be able to meet up I would have to go. There was no word from his friend who we were supposed to be going on a double date with so the whole thing was called off. Well it really wasn’t verbally but it was all the same. I just I really like this guy, there is just something about him that clicks with something in me. I know that sounds kind of childish but I tend to be like that. I just, worry about everything. What could he see in me? Does he like what he sees? Am I being too annoying, or the reverse am I not saying enough. We had one date and it just felt so right, though he seemed like he enjoyed it. Though being myself I worried over it all weekend.

A lot of my problems stem from my fist boyfriend I think. I spoke about him briefly in an entry a few days ago though I  think he needs to be talked about in details. My younger brother met him in jail, he seemed to think we would click and he started to write me. I will not say why he was in jail because I feel uncomfortable leaving that bit of detail on the web for all to see. He was in a protective area of the jail, with my brother. My brother was there for other reasons, they felt him being in the general pop would be harmful for him or something like that.

Eric was charming and quite polite in letters, I was quite into the idea of this guy waiting on my letters. For a while things were nice I would write him a letter and he would write one back. Though my letters starting becoming harder and harder to write. I started really liking this guy and didn’t know what to say. When we met it was awkward, his mother had to drive us since he wasn’t allowed to drive yet, since he was on parole. Though the date itself was okay, we saw a movie and ate dinner. Things were hard due to his parole though I felt a little hardship never killed anyone. We ended up dating, I liked him and he seemed like he liked me. Though after a while everything I did seemed to be wrong. I called to little or I called to much. I wore my shorts to short. I demanded to much of him. Things like this, I didn’t see it at the time though. He hid it all under the guise of trying to make me more mature. More adult. I was constantly afraid that I was going to mess up that I stopped trying.  I cried for three days when he broke up with me. He didn’t even have the balls to talk to me he did it on aim. On the laptop I helped him pick out. He said it wasn’t me it was him, and that we could be friends. He has called me once since then, and I was in Nebraska. After that he never contacted me again.

Do I regret dating him? In a lot of ways I do and in a lot of ways I don’t.

So I was thinking of trying an alternate job, like making doll dresses. I am rather okay at sewing and with some practice that I can be come a lot better though I need to get this going. Though with a job like this the money wont be consistent and I know it will be hard but considering the alternative which is a job I would hate this sounds like the best idea. For now though I must take the first step, working on my skill level and practice. Also I need to find a way to sell the items, etsy seems like a good idea though I could also do craft fairs and things like that. Though my main fear is that no one is going to buy my hard work.

I dont want to wait.

So today’s game plan was to watch the rest of .hack//sign and finally see the end of it. Forgetting of course that the site I use has a 75 minute limit then you have to wait a half hour. I just hate waiting, though I am far to lazy to find a new site each time this happens. Since the one I use has them listed and the quality is rather good. So now I wait, which is annoying me since I was in the middle of an episode. What they really need is some sort of warning at the beginning of a video. “You have x minutes left you may not be able to finish this do you want to go on?” That way one would know what was going to happen and about when it was going to happen for them. Though a half hour isn’t that bad, at least its not 24 hours or something crazy like that.

Yesterday I did my normal Thursday stuff, I saw my mom and helped her out with my nephew. Doing the wash with him can be hard since he tends to get cranky at the laundry, normally I just sit there with him and make sure he isn’t hungry or stinky. If he gets whiney or anything she normally has stuff for him in the stroller. Though we tend to not stay put for long going to the thrift stores near by and such.  Even though she is my mom our relationship is more like two friends. This is something that never thought could or would happen. For the longest time it felt like she wanted nothing to do with me and now we hang out twice a week. Its strange what a little distance can do for people. When I lived with her she didn’t really want to be around me now she looks forward to me visiting. It feels odd yet rather nice.

So yesterday I was greeted with stuff she bought me, which she seems to like to do now as well. Though she puts it under the guise that my nephew picked it for me which is cute I guess? I don’t know, she got me a valentines’ gift like this to. A pink card and a pink bear that he picked out. Though I don’t know if he picked it for me or she picked it.  Though who picked it isn’t that important, the fact she wanted him to pick one for me is nice.

On the way home, I was suckered into getting girl scout cookies. How the hell could a group of parents think its an okay idea have a sale at the train station? First off its 10 degrees cooler there then the area around it. Second it’s a busy place and someone could have snatched those girls, and third people were rushing home to there nice warm houses. Not many of them would want to buy cookies. Even more so for four dollar boxes that contain about six ounces of cookie. I ended up buying two boxes. I am such a weakling. Though at least I know the money is going to a good place.

My dad is trying to get back into my life, well sort of? He asked to be my friend on face book. I accepted hoping for some sort of reason for him leaving. So far all I have gotten is creepy messages on my front page and him fighting with my little brother on my page. I think he wants to just waltz back in and act like he was here all along.  Things are not that easy, he left me. Walked out when I was about four, how does he expect me to forget 20 years of him not being there for me? I don’t even remember him, nothing. I don’t have a single memory of this man and he just wants me to act like he is my dear old dad coming home from a day at work. Thing will never be like that. He is going to have to try rather hard to even get back into my life. Face book is not enough. Though I don’t think he will be doing that.

Its raining again today, I hate the rain. It wipes me, I feel drained from the moment I get up and never recover. All I want to do is go back to sleep, and its not like I cant. No one is waiting on me. Most of the people I know work so they would be around later anyways. People I talk to. Its still hard to call people friends even though that’s what they are. I never had real friends, well ever since I moved out of bay shore before the second grade. Back then I had tons of friends, I just never made new ones in my new school. Something that followed me throughout my school life. When I did make friends though the one or two times my mom pushed them away with her rule that I cant hang out with people she doesn’t know and that people she doesn’t know aren’t allowed in the house. I am rather happy that she stopped this with my youngest brother. He has quite a few friends and seems like he will be the most normal of all of us. I envy him for this.

Though its nice having a group of people wanting to see me and hear from me. Even if they are mostly online. Does that make the friendship less real? Does that somehow just make them people on the internet who like who they think I am. Do I like them for the same reasons? I hope not, right now I need people as much as part of me wants to say fuck it and just be alone again part of me need them. I cant be left alone again. I don’t think I can take the silence of being by myself anymore. I cant be that girl in the crowd that no one talks to. I have had a taste of what normal connections are like and I want more. I would love friends I can go hang out with and just act normal. Though my mind comes back to my lack of a job. How can I go off and have fun with no job?

Also why do some people talk to you when they need something and ignore you otherwise? Do I stop existing because you don’t need me today? My brother is like that, Melissa do this for me Melissa do that for me. Look this up on Google look that up on Google. Heaven forbid I talk to him, though even when we do talk he has a motive for it. Help me with this, what do you think about this deck? Its nice sometimes but he never just wants to see how I am doing. Though I don’t think I would tell him if he did. I don’t want to upset the kid with my nearly adult problems

To leave this on a lighter note, I may pick up the new pokemon. I still have a gift card left from Christmas, which means I can get it. Though I have no clue which one to get, also I may keep a log of where I am here and who I am training for funsies. Just something to end what is looking like a darker journal on a lighter note.

Oh hi.

I have been staring at this page for a while now, every so often going to something else while I figure out something. So I fake that this is my first entry, or do I come back so to speak? The first is easy, I say hi and who I am and move on from there. The latter is harder, much harder though leads to a better understanding of how I have changed since I have been here last. Though this begs the question to me is anyone going to read this? Does anyone really care to read a new entry from a journal that hasn’t been posted in since March of 2008? Though more then likely I am over thinking this. I should just get on with the entry and hope for the best.  I am going to approach this from both angles, knowing that both are right. Though someone is going to ask why I stopped posting,or at least I hope someone wants to know. I just thought one day that my life is boring and no one wants to hear about it. So I just left, no long winded good bye or people asking me to stay. I wasn't a long winded person then. I am now at times.

As you can see there are no posts on my account, besides this one. I deleted them all. Why? There was no content in them. None. It was just a one or two line entry about how “hard” or “boring” my life was. I like to think I am deeper then that now, though I am probably not. I am more then likely just wordier. I am still in the same place I was, no job, no car, and boyfriend less (sort of?) Its not like I haven’t tried to get a job I just have no experience, which leads to no one wanting to hire me in this economy. Its bad when MC Donald’s is getting picky about who they hire. Though I am lucky to have a family member like my grandmother who is willing to help me out.  The car problem is linked to the job one, I don’t have the money to get a car I need a job to get money to get a car. I bet I am not getting jobs because I don’t have a car.  Thus my problem. The boyfriend thing, well I think I am fixing that? I had two. One broke up with me on aim, because he didn’t feel the same way about me as he did when we first started dating.  The second is more complicated. He ignored me, I did a face book status change to “its complicated” due to my complicated feelings. I wanted to try and fix it but part of me just wanted to move on. He texted me about it while I was sleeping and had my cell off. Then he texted me that we were over and he was going to finish what I started and broke up with me. I told him why I did it and he begged me for another chance, one I didn’t give him. 

More about me? Well I am still into a lot of the same things I was into though I guess I am into new things? It is a little hard to remember where I was back three years ago. I still like anime, though its not as much. My art has gone into an entirely new direction. As of a year ago, I started to do abstract work which I love and never can see me not doing again. I work with glass a lot because I love its nature, things don’t adsorb into it. So texture and shades can be made easier. Which has led to a lot of interesting pieces. Also the fact that you can see though it and can see both sides makes it even more interesting. Which side will come out better and such. Though the main reason I like it is because I just get this emotional release out of it. I can start out feeling horrible and end up feeling quite better. Art is my drug, and I love it. I am still not neat, I haven’t seen the floor in my bed room in a while. I think I have a blue carpet, though it could be green. I don’t remember. I am not reading as much since I got my laptop, though I do read some stuff online. Musically I have getting into more bands. Though that is to be expected, since there are new bands every month. I am still on Gaia, the site joined because I was bored and figured it would be fun while it lasted. I never expected it to be around so long. I also didn’t expect for me to still be on it, or to spend the little real money I have on it. I still don’t like to sleep when I should, Its one am and I don’t think I will be even trying to sleep for a while.  I am an aunt now, Its odd. I look at him and I hope that he turns out okay. I hope he turns out better then me, then his father. I hope for the best for him though I feel like his life is going to be hard. I try to help though I feel like its never enough. I want better for him then I think I can ever do and he is not even my own kid. Does this mean I will be a good mother? I don’t think I would make a good mother at all. Though as of now I wont be finding that out.  Oh and I still cant spell for shit, I just have spell-check now.

Where do I want to go? I have no clue. That is my problem. I mean right now I want a job/car. Though this is really a short term goal. How long can I work at a entry level job? I mean before I want to move on, or move up from entry level. Before everyone around me wonder if I have any motivation. I don’t know, and I don’t know when I will know. I don’t even have an idea, if I were to tell you my dream job it varies so much. What I need is someone or something to point me in the right direction. A gentle nudge. Though I don’t think that is going to happen any time soon so I guess I need to nudge myself. Which will be easier said then done. Though I  do know I have the motivation to write about myself at one in the morning. Lets hope this keeps up at least. I kind of like this release I am getting from just writing.

I really want to leave this with one thing, this is my thoughts and my journal. I don’t  think my posts are going to be well thought out. It may just be me ranting once a day or whenever. Though my day to day life will be tucked in there some where amongst all the thoughts.